Who I used to be

Yesterday I shared a few instances of the Apostle Paul giving his testimony. The big observation I've learned from studying Paul's story is that his story was recounted in 2 or 3 parts. First, Paul would speak of who he used to be, and then Paul would speak of who he is now (as a result of God's grace through Christ). 

Today I'm sharing a bit of my story, of who I used to be.

Dear reader, who I am now is not who I used to be. I have never met another person more overwhelmed with deceit and lies than I was. I would lie about small things and big things. I would lie to employers, coworkers, friends, mentors, my siblings, and my parents. The dominant trait of my character, activity, and preoccupation of my mind was deception. 

My parents and friends from decades ago are able to testify that I was untrustworthy in every sense of the word. I misused money, I knowingly and intentionally misrepresented the words and actions of others. When the most basic, or most challenging question was asked, I would lie. I was like a Walmart of deception - there was no lie I wouldn't sell. I was a Swiss army knife of duplicity. Pinocchio was honest by comparison. 

There was some numbness that was present whenever I did lie. That sense was not one of rest, it was not joy, it did not bring satisfaction. It was a brief experience of "glad that's over". When I lied the only relief it brought was to escape the immediate imagined consequences of telling the truth. 

This was who I used to be. I've said it many times in sermons and moments of sharing testimony - I lived up to my biblical name. The name "Jacob" in ancient Hebrew originally meant "he grasps the heel" (Genesis 25:26). This was an expression used to speak of someone who was a deceiver. It's a bit like the phrase in English "are you pulling my leg?" The Hebrew phrase carries with it a level of intentionality that goes deeper than just "kidding around" or making a comment in jest. The intention of the one who "grasps the heel" is to turn another away from the truth. 

This was who I was. I was a deceiver, I was a liar. My moment-by-moment living was one of hiding, running, and seeking to escape from any encounter with truth. My way of living led to insulated darkness where life was dreadful and the truth was terrifying. 

Thanks be to God that I was confronted by the Way, the Truth, and the Life! It is all due to the grace and mercy of God that I am today what I am. Who I was, is no longer who I am. Tomorrow I'll share a few words about who I am now as a result of God's grace.