Disagreements and Love

One casual glance at any social media platform will allow you to notice how quickly disagreements become arenas for unleashing anger. If you've spent any amount of time with your own family, chances are there are hard feelings resulting from disagreements that split people up for generations. It doesn't take hard work to insult or anger someone. It does take hard work to love someone while disagreeing. It does takes work to disagree with someone, and still seek their best. 

In the wider culture, it shouldn't shock us that people who are lost, are lost in their relationships, lost in their conversations, lost in their assumptions about the world, and lost in their ability to remain charitable in the midst of disagreement. 

This example of the flesh in action puts pressure on us within the church. Those of us who are believers have numerous examples of what it looks like to disagree while remaining respectful, and what it looks like to instruct firmly, without wavering or becoming overbearing. Maybe one of the reasons why some of us believers struggle with disagreements is our neglect of those examples which might otherwise instruct us of how to disagree and remain loving. Maybe we could learn from biblical examples what it means to disagree in love and even receive critical or corrective feedback without lashing out in anger. 

Maybe one of the reasons many within the church have lost the ability to disagree or have reasonable discussions about difficult things is we've neglected books like 2nd Corinthians and 1 & 2 Thessalonians. These books have many instructions for individuals and churches that are in the midst of moments of doubt. Pressures from outside the church had begun to create pressure within the church. Practical questions about how faith in Christ ought to change daily living were at the center of their early Christian communities. Many were sowing seeds of discord by accusing Paul and his ministry team of deception and insincerity. Rather than lashing out in anger, Paul and his team reference their love:  

5 You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness. 6 We were not looking for praise from people, not from you or anyone else, even though as apostles of Christ we could have asserted our authority. 7 Instead, we were like young children among you. Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, 8 so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well. (1 Thess 2:5-8 NIV)

These books in our Bibles were originally written as letters. The writers (Paul & Timothy for 2nd Corinthians and Paul, Timothy & Silas for 1 & 2 Thessalonians) loved the recipients of the letters dearly. That love was not contingent upon agreement on every point of doctrine, or every aspect of life. The instruction and sometimes harsh criticism that came in the letters was for the benefit of the recipients. If the writers only cared about churches that had everything "right", these letters never would have been written. If caring for someone means only saying agreeable things, and never ever speaking words of correction or challenge, then every book of the New Testament is very uncaring indeed! 

6 In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers and sisters, to keep away from every believer who is idle and disruptive and does not live according to the teaching you received from us. 7 For you yourselves know how you ought to follow our example. We were not idle when we were with you, 8 nor did we eat anyone’s food without paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you. 9 We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you to imitate. 10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.” 

11 We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies. 12 Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the food they eat. 13 And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good. 14 Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, in order that they may feel ashamed. 15 Yet do not regard them as an enemy, but warn them as you would a fellow believer. (2 Thess 3:6-15 NIV)

In other words, disagreement, or even stern instruction, does not automatically mean there are hateful, overbearing, or controlling motives. 2nd Corinthians along with 1 & 2 Thessalonians are filled with example after example of demonstrable activities and actions which are a call to Godly living, and that call itself is motivated by love. This love is a love that desires the best for its beloved and warns against anything other than the best. 

11 We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. 12 We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. 13 As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also. (2 Cor 6:11-13 NIV)

The loving parent sees a child playing near the road and does what? Encourage them to run quick? Jump higher? Spin faster? No! The loving parent guides the child to play further from the road. Some might think this is rude and overbearing, others will recognize this is a parent loving their child in a very practical, life preserving way. Love from the Lord does not ignore potential disastrous living, nor does it seek to control others for the sake of an outcome. Love from the Lord both points out what is dangerous and points the way to safety. 

There is plenty more that could be said but let me close by saying this. December and January are a month filled with events, get togethers, family functions, and parties. It's a time of tremendous opportunity to enter into disagreements and start long lasting resentful memories. Before you go to a gathering this December and January, consider how Paul, Timothy, and Silas write to those whom they loved in Corinth and Thessalonica. Read through 2nd Corinthians and 1 & 2 Thessalonians and see how in nearly every paragraph the love, care, and affection of these writers comes through. 

Before getting into a disagreement, do a quick self-inventory, "Am I in this moment acting in a way that thoroughly demonstrates my love for this other person?". Then once you find yourself in a disagreement, do another ongoing self-inventory "Am I conducting myself in an overbearing way? If I was watching myself on tape, would I think this is a loving way to speak and behave during this disagreement?"