Toman's Taxonomy of Grief in Preparing Sermons

WARNING - If you don't want to read a post about the inner thoughts of me as a preacher with some reflections and attempts at humor, this is not a post for you. If you'd like to believe that preachers disappear into some mystical trance between the hours of Monday through Saturday, or sit beside campfires to see whole sermons given to them out of the flames, then please do not continue reading. 

I have noticed throughout the years I've been blessed to preach God's Word that there is a pattern in my own response to study and learning new things from God's Word. These are not new things in that they have never before been discovered, learned, or observed. Rather these are new things to me that I may have not previously considered, thought about, wrestled with, or been exposed to. 

In this regard, there is always some sense of a blow to ones pride when learning something new. Humility is then a three step process (I think I am learning a bit of it each time I prepare to preach or teach). First, in preaching something I've learned "new" means I must recognize and submit to the reality that I am finite. My understanding, wisdom, and knowledge is far from exhaustive, and is often times closer to an elementary level than a comprehensive level. Second, this means the things which I learn that are new to me are an opportunity to grow deeper in my relationship with God. When I learn something new from God's Word, it's not a trivia factoid, or a notable personal anecdote. When I learn something new from God's Word it is God himself working through his Word and his Spirit to draw me closer to him than I was before. Third, preaching gives me an opportunity to take the thing(s) that has drawn me closer to God and share that with others so that they too might have the opportunity to grow closer to God. In this way preaching is always an "otherly" or "spiritual" act. Included in the teaching process is a relational bond between God and the hearer and the preacher is given opportunity (by God) to further grow and facilitate a deepening of that bond. 

Each week in preparing to preach, I often times go through the "5 stages of grief". I present to you therefore, "Toman's Taxonomy of Grief in Preparing Sermons". This is heavily based on Elizabeth Kübler-Ross' work summarizing the 5 stages of grief in her book “On Death and Dying”. 

Denial - that the New Thing is possible.

Anger - at the New Thing's reality.

Bargaining - wrestling with the "What If's" of the New Thing.

Depression - overwhelmed at how the New Thing fits into previous understanding.

Acceptance - the New Thing is a part of God's work in my life.

1. Denial - that the New Thing is possible.

Often this occurs after several readings of a passage, and praying through a passage. My first pastoral mentor in ministry used to coach me to read through a passage 5 times, then 10 times, then 10 more times before ever reading a commentary, paper, or even study bible on the passage. This allows a preacher to develop a sense of the passage without thinking the thoughts of someone else. Denial comes in (most often for me) when either something in the passage sticks out at me personally or when I've read the passage and then begun reading commentaries and papers on the passage. "Where the heck did this commentator come away from this passage with that interpretation?" I'll say to myself or the walls of my office. "How did this student get a PHD with this thesis on this passage? Nothing they are arguing holds any kind of water" and other such phrases are said ("This is hogwash" is now becoming one of my phrases).

2. Anger - at the New Thing's reality.

This stage comes with no small amount of discussion with commentators and other passages in the scriptures. The scariest and most pride filled (sinful pride here, not a pride in the Lord) moments are usually emotional or quarrelsome thoughts like "This New Thing doesn't fit into any of my other thoughts on this!" or "This New Thing wouldn't be here if God was more like me!". Granted, these are not thoughts we very often reveal, say, or even admit to ourselves. But these are the thoughts we have when God's Word challenges us to change and to grow into something new. While the phrase "can't teach an old dog new tricks" comes to mind, the reality is that God is ALWAYS at work in his people. Sometimes this makes us angry to go through the change he is working in our lives. We are given many instances of God's Old Testament people Ancient Israel as they were ANGRY at God for bringing them out of Egypt and the change they were experiencing. This is what some of the anger is like in learning something new from God's Word as a preacher. 

3. Bargaining - wrestling with the "What If's" of the New Thing.

After anger comes a kind of negotiation phase. "Well, if this New Thing means X, what does that mean for this Old Thing that I thought meant Y?" Trying to integrate something new can be difficult, and sometimes (especially for arrogant sinners who need Jesus like me) it means we have to back track on Old Things we've held onto. For preachers, this might mean admitting something you used to believe, preach, or teach, is actually not true! Or maybe there is a different nuance that was missed by you in the past. Wrestling with the New Thing may mean we come to a completely new place whereby we must repent of the glory we've robbed of God, and the idolatry of making God into an idea we like, rather than worshipping and proclaiming him as the God whom he has revealed himself to be. "Well...I guess I'm changing the focus of this sermon (or this whole series of sermons)" is a phrase that I've used many times now throughout the years as I've moved into this stage of sermon preparation. 

4. Depression - overwhelmed at how the New Thing fits into previous understanding.

After realizing the changes and the potentially wholescale repentance in stage 3, sometimes there is a spectrum of depression that occurs. I don't want to use this word lightly. I don't mean this in a clinical sense (although in scripture, we do have multiple accounts of people used by God to great means, who go into a deep state of depression like Jonah after preaching in Nineveh or Elijah after the battle on Mount Carmel). I mean to use the word depression as a way to communicate the experience of defeat or darkness creeps that into my mind as I prepare. Self doubt and even doubt in God himself or his Word can creep into study. There are usually two temptations that come to me at this point and two opportunities. The two temptations are "give up on this sermon" or "give up on serving God in this way". The two opportunities that come are "Trust that God is at work in his Word" and "Work with a Thankful Heart that God is deepening his bond with you through this New Thing". Sometimes the first four stages are rather rapid, and occur within a day or two of preparing for a sermon or a series. Sometimes this is an elongated process that goes on in mini-cycles but with a macro-cycle overarching an entire sermon series. One such example was when I was working and preaching regularly at a local homeless shelter and studying in Seminary. Which leads me to the last stage....

5. Acceptance - the New Thing is a part of God's work in my life.

While preaching sometimes 2-3 nights a week after a dinner meal to between 30-44 homeless men, I had to come to accept that God was the one at work. I couldn't keep up with my studies, with my part time work supporting my wife and eventually new born child, and maintain rigorous study and preparation of a sermon for the men at the shelter. There were times during that cycle where I had to accept that I may not have considered all angles of a "New Thing" that God was teaching me through a passage. The fact that I felt unprepared didn't mean I was. In fact, the feeling of inadequacy of my own abilities, thoughts, or satisfaction led me to a greater reliance and faith that God would be at work. It led me to a place of humility that it's God's Word, not mine, which has the power to change people. I began to shift a great deal in my preparation throughout that cycle. I moved from a much more "academic" style in my preparation of sermons, to a much more "prayer" oriented style. I found that rather than prayer being a "step" in sermon preparation, prayer was something to accompany me, lead me, comfort me, calm me, stir me up, and move me to move others through preaching. I'm thankful for the opportunities when I get to sink a few more hours into reading nowadays in sermon preparation, but I don't think I'll ever be "happy" or "feel satisfied" with a sermon prior to preaching it. 

This is a part of the acceptance stage. That in the angst of sermon preparation God is at work even through each of these stages. God uses my own rejection and denial of a "New Thing" to put me into the shoes of those who will deny or reject this new thing. God uses my own anger and frustration throughout study and preparation to get a feel for some of what God's people may experience as they hear this "New Thing" from God's Word. God uses my bargaining and questioning to see scenarios in which this "New Thing" is applicable into daily life. God uses my depression and darkness to see where this "New Thing" means a death to our old sinful selves and life to our new personhood in Christ. God uses my weaknesses and limits to lead me to accept that it is only through his strength that any of us are changed, grow, and are made new in Jesus. 

In conclusion, I don't want to paint a bleak picture, or project that these somewhat humorous comparisons are what other preachers or pastors experience. Rather, I hope to make some fun of, and also bring to light at least some of the work that occurs between Monday-Saturday in preparation for Sunday. I have only one "call to action" that I'll levy at you today. Pray that God would be at work in your preacher's study so that God would deepen the faith and relationship of your preacher to God, and thereby bless you by facilitating your own deepening of faith and relationship with our holy and triune God.